I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
