I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
