only you would photoshop your dick
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
