Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
