Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
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