Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
ugly people sure do ruin things
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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