If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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