he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
