I just saw a hot homeless man
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
