she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
