by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
