there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
