Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
