i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
