If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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