nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
