Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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