Umm I'm too high to move.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Ambien. No doubt about it.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
