is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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