what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
