There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
