so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
