you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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