it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
