My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
