is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
