have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
