I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
