the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
