OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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