why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
