i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
