i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
