Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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