the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
