There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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