my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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