the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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