The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
they need to just BURY HIM!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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