Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
