hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
