did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
