If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
