i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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