I wish I could teleport
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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