This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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