It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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