i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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