I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
