Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
