OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
